If I am about to take an exit off the highway, I'll go through these really fast mental gyrations about whether or not I should take Exit # 1 or Exit # 2 to get to my destination. I'll imagine all the roads at the end of each exit, thinking of how much or how little time it will take me, whether or not there are a lot of stop lights. After a laborious 15 seconds of internal debate, I'll finally decide. And, at the last second, I'll change my mind and take a different exit.
Why? Why do I do that? It's not just with exits. It's with far more important things. I'll tell myself that I will work 10 hours to make up lost time, but then I'll let myself off the hook and only work 8. Or, I'll insist that I'm not allowed to see a certain movie until a certain amount of my homework is done. Next thing I know I'm sitting in a dark theater watching the trailer for the upcoming installment of the Twilight saga, homework sitting safely, unfinished in my backpack in the trunk of my car.
Worse yet, this crazy behavior applies to my relationships as well. I'll like a guy. I mean REALLY like him. I might even spend months thinking about how amazing it would be to spend endless amounts of time with him. But, when the rubber meets the road, I'll back away, change my mind, go off in the total opposite direction and abandon all my silly plans of a potentially blissful future together.
I've figured out, just today, that I do this stuff as acts of rebellion.
I wasn't a very rebellious kid. I was observant. I watched what my brother and sister did. If their actions resulted in any form of discipline, then I would sincerely reconsider partaking in similar behavior. I don't mean to say that I was NEVER rebellious, but I was pretty good at avoiding obvious blunders or at least hiding them more effectively than my siblings.
I didn't want to displease my parents and I didn't want to hurt God's feelings by being naughty (a glimpse into my simple, screwed up, childlike theology). I wanted to be a good kid. As an adult, I'm still pretty much a rule-follower. I'm conscientious about clocking my time accurately at work. I adhere to policies and procedures. I don't steal cable or download pirated music. Sure, I speed a little on the highway, but they would never cast me for the "Fastest and Most Furious" movie that will inevitably come out next year. I try my best to not break laws, at least not the laws that others have set for me.
So, I think I set up laws for myself so that I have some laws I can break without feeling guilty. Wow. Isn't that such a revelation of the human condition? We desire to resist the law. Our hearts rage against being controlled by anyone, not even OURSELVES.
Thank you, Jesus, that you don't want to control me, but instead you love me, forgive me, and give me the best possible advice for living a life that is full and abundant.
I think, Romans 7:4-6, sums it up quite nicely for me (from the New Living Translation, but the emphasis is mine):
"So, my dear brothers and sisters, this is the point: You died to the power of the law, when you died with Christ. And now, you are united with the one who was raised from the dead. As a result, we can produce a harvest of good deeds for God. When we were controlled by our old nature, sinful desires were at work within us, and the law aroused these evil desires that produced a harvest of evil deeds, that resulted in death. But now, we have been released from the law, for we died to it and are no longer captive to its power. Now, we can serve God, not in the old way of obeying the letter of the law, but in the new way of living in the Spirit."
(By the way, I also highly recommend reading the rest of Romans 7. It's good stuff.)
So, I guess I don't need to find ways to be rebellious! I can be free with this new way of living. But, I definitely need Jesus to help me. Because, if left to my own devices, I definitely confuse myself and become a jumbled mess of doing and not doing a lot of unnecessary mental gymnastics about every choice I make!
Whew.... :)
Love,
Katy
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