Epic Lack of Confidence

I have known this about myself for a long time, but this week, it's just smacking me in the face over and over. I have a ridiculously epic lack of confidence. Oh, and I fear the unknown.

These two "problems" result in this: I will never be an astronaut. And I will probably have a really hard time finding a good guy to date.

On a total whim, I signed up for a free dating service the other day. It was a disaster. I should have known myself a bit better and just quit filling out the stupid form, but no. I went ahead and signed up, writing a little blurb about how I need my independence and that I'm not sure if I will ever feel differently (I sound like quite a catch don't I) and putting up a relatively cute picture of myself.

Ugh. I got a couple emails from some dudes that were way too old for me and way too out there as well. I also got one, very simple, totally nice email from a guy who's 4 years younger than me that I think now currently hates my guts.

He, gentlemanly, offered that we could just IM at first. So, I did. I put his contact name in my instant messenger and started up an introductory convo. He was funny and nice, taking pretty clever digs at our age difference to break the ice. It worked. Then, I started to freak out. This totally nice guy, who's bored and just trying to be friendly, suggested that we meet up for coffee.

Now, let me just say that I know that online dating works for some people. But, it makes me feel 1000% awkward. There's this unspoken pressure to sort of get the serious questions out of the way before you even meet. Do you have (want) kids? What's your situation? What do you mean by "I'm a Christian"?

Ugh squared. So, I asked him the last question, about being a Christian. He gave a typical, general answer about identifying with a mainline denomination and that he hasn't really been going to church lately.

I can feel the "oh no" gears grinding in me at this point. Two reasons: 1) He may not really have a connection to the Lord that I am hoping for and 2) Why in the world did I start talking to this guy and give him any hope when I really don't want to online date in the first place!!!!!

So, then I try to think of reasons to gracefully backpedal my way out. And I do my best, but it apparently wasn't enough. He got kinda pissed. I can't blame him. I probably seemed really lame.

He called me a hypocrite, shallow and he said that he could "start to see why I was single".

STINGER. Ouch. But, he's probably right. I even told him that.

Okay, second story about my epic lack of confidence.

I had a job interview today. I think it went well overall. The interviewer seemed to really like me and my answers were what she was looking for. Then, I spent some time sidled up to a couple of her staff members to watch what they do.

I was totally intimidated. Could I do this job?

In reality, yes, I can. History has taught me that I have always been able to take on a new challenge and do well. But, whenever I look at something for the first time, my mind goes absolutely nuts. I think of all the things that scare me about it, all that could go wrong, the myriad of ways that I could fail and I start cowering.

So, I need some dang confidence. I need to not be afraid to fail. Better yet, I need to not be afraid to try.

I can't fix that situation with the guy. He's long gone, probably telling all his friends about the jerk he met online. But, I can try out this job. If they offer it to me, I'll accept.

Hello Challenge...my name is Katy and victory is mine!!!!